Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
