Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
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woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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