Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Randomize
