We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
