I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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