remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How's work?
Spinning.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
