You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize