Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
