if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
