i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
