I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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