Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
