I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
