I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
