I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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