R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
one might say we're banned from that church
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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