I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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