thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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