mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
