That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
