i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
