Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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