The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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