Will you blow on my dice?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
