Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
