coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
