Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
