You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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