I'm so fucking centered right now
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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