my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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