Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
