We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
