my phone needs a breathalizer
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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