Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
