I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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