Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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