so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
