So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
