In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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