Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
