There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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