Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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