I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
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