6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
