Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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