A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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