I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
