DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING