Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.