Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
