Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
