i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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