What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
